Yeah, or something like that.
I have been "on" all week diet/attitude wise.
Today I am overwhelmed.
By what you may ask?
I feel like I can't be awesome at any one thing, I have to settle for ok.
I can't be a stay at home Mom, so I work. I work hard! But I don't put in a bunch of overtime. I get questioned why I am leaving when another person stays late more often. When I do stay late I get told to stop and go home with my kids.
Then it's pressure to be a "good" mom. It's like I'm expected to make sure that ALL our time is quality time. Activities and heart to heart conversations. Healthy meals from scratch and a clean house.
Being a single Mom and doing it all pretending like it's not a big deal that I have little to no help with anything. "Who needs a man?"
Oh but then I am supposed to take care of myself. Get up early and exercise, eat healthy meals, find time to just fucking think. And it's not like it's some tiny thing. I am addicted to food. I am an addict.
Someone put raisin tart bars in the fridge at daycare and I lost it. Intentions were good but before I got rid of them I was at such a low point, I caved for the first time in 6 days and had one.
I wish I could just not look at the bad stuff but it's impossible. It's everywhere. Meetings, daycare fridge, my FB newsfeed, 7 different places on the drive home. It's like you have two heads when you turn down treats. Especially when you are overweight like "who are you trying to kid?"
Then there is the fact that my house is usually somewhat messy to tornado 95% of the time. The only time it's clean is when the kids are not around at all. The majority of family meals center around convenience. So basically I feel like a failure.
Most days by 7pm I am totally exhausted and while I should be up until 10 getting all the chores done, I don't. Fuck that. As if I need to push myself to the brink of a panic attack.to please someone else's idea of what my house should look like.
My social life.... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, that would insinuate that I actually had one. But Facebook counts right?