The first step is the hardest; My AHA process

Lots of people what to know "What was your turning point".  I would absolutely love to have a simple answer to that question, but like anything else in life it wasn't simple. 

I think some of it started when I was pregnant with Annalisa.  I had this desire to go out and run, but I felt trapped in my own body.  My back ached, my feet ached, I had that horrible stabbing crotch pain that made just walking around painful.  I remember feeling like I was having trouble breathing when I would lay down at night because when my chin was pressed towards my neck it made it hard to get air in.  I was 300lbs and just plain embarrassed of myself.  

After she was born I had a mini-epiphany.  I had this realization that life is not permanent, and BOY was that scary.  I realized that if I wanted to see more life, enjoy my children, give them a better chance at living a fulfilling life, I needed to start setting a better example.  I also started believing that I wasn't going to worry *quite* so much what other people thought of me.  

It started small.   I went out and got my hair done how I wanted to, and not how I thought other people would like it.   I bought a purse I liked, and didn't worry about if other people thought I could "pull it off".  I decided to concentrate and make an effort to act with more integrity.  Basically that means I lie less, to myself and to others.  I used to just agree with people in order to make life easier, or in hopes they would like me but I realized I am really bad a being fake.  

I tried a diet, and failed 3 weeks later.  Then I fell into some old habits, and decided to bake/cook my summer away.  I had been planning to start logging my foods since March, and every few days/weeks I would log a couple days here and there.  I logged mostly bad days (or maybe they were just all bad days).  As I worked on myself (ya know, being all honest and stuff) I was coming up with less and less excuses.  

I think, on September 13th, when Crystal asked me the question "Are you going first or am I", it was a combination of running out of excuses, embarrassment and accountability.  I was just done.  Done with lying to myself, and done with disappointing others in the process.  Also, I didn't want to look like a flake to Crystal any more, although she's been around long enough I'm sure she can draw her own conclusions on that one!

Also, I just went back and checked my diary on MFP and the first few weeks were not pretty.  It took me a while to get the hang of it.  The first two weeks I ended up eating on average almost 2000 calories per day! Even after that period I was doing lots of things I should be, over on my calories, and eating a lot of nutrition-less foods.   

People might look at my journey, or the journey of other successful weight losers and get discouraged thinking we did everything perfectly from the start.  I am here do say, that for me at least, I DIDN'T!  It took my a long time to get the hang of it and I am STILL improving, the biggest part of my success is that I REFUSE to give up.  I take my bad days and get over them.  I have tired days (like today I am exhausted and wanting to binge eat like... hmmm, well like I used to), I just do the best that I can, and try more often then I give up.