4 more sleeps until weigh-in!

Wow, its been a month since I weighed!  NEVER thought I could do that!

Since I am doing the ChaLEAN Extreme program and my 4th week of Burn phase ends on Saturday I have decided to do my weigh-in and pics on Sunday  and then repeat after Push phase and Lean phase which are also 4 weeks each.

To be quite honest, I'm feeling a little lazy this week.  My hip has been sore since my 10k so I had an excuse decided not to run yesterday and take a rest day instead.  Good thing too because I was pretty busy with Annalisa's birthday!

I did it last night!! I only had ONE piece of cake.  I originally didn't do too bad on the pizza either putting me at 100cals over for the day (which to me is NOT a big deal)... but... a few hours later I ended up mindlessly eating two more pieces of pizza. In the end I was more like 600cal over for the day (hanging head in shame).  I'm still proud about the cake though because cake is my biggest weakness.

I'm hoping that weigh-in and progress pics this weekend will help me re-group.  Its not like I'm falling off the wagon or anything, I just feel like my enthusiasm isn't all there.

Now I have to decide if I want to keep monthly weigh-ins for another month, or go back to weekly... Thoughts?

One year!

Well, my daughter Annalisa is one year old today! This time last year I was at my heaviest weight for the last time!

She was my *perfect* pregnancy because the weight I was the day I gave birth to her was the exact same weight as when I got pregnant with her. She essentially took 25lbs off me!!!!

When I started this journey in September I had gained back 5 of those pounds and I was NOT going to gain anymore. I am so excited to be 30+ pounds lighter than my Pre-pregnancy weight for BOTH kids! Hopefully they won't even remember when I was so big, and can just see me as a positive active role model.

Apparently I needed that rest day!!

Yesterday, I was absolutely worn out. I had planned on working out but my body was screaming at me to rest! So I decided to call it a snuggle day and spent the day hanging out with my babies, and even enjoyed a nap when they did too!!

Today we had a lazy morning and decided to go out for breakfast.  My Husband works almost every single Saturday so Sundays are our family days, they are very important to us!  

Here are my kiddos out to Breakfast this morning!!

Annalisa decided to read the Menu!

I planned on taking pictures of my food, but it didn't come as ordered and I was PISSED!  I made good choices any ways. I had a mushroom and cheese omelet and planned for 2 pancakes, but only ate one!  

After breakfast we had to pick some things up from Walmart for the week. When we were on our way back out to the car I remembered I forgot something and said "Oh crap"... My son decided to choose that moment to repeat his first "semi-swear".  It was kinda funny, I'm not gonna lie!

We got the kids loaded in the car, I figured this would be the perfect time for my run because Hubby could just drive home and get the kids down for their nap!  

Now, from Walmart home is about 9k.  I figured I would run 5k, and walk the rest. This is me in the Walmart parking lot, ready to head out.  Also I bought a belt to carry my water while I was there, I now understand why people buy those belts with 4 little bottle instead of one big one!

Here are a few of the sights I saw along the way... P.S. Taking pictures while running is NOT as easy as one might think!

As you can see the weather was amazing, after 5k I decided keep going.  I got to 8k, and decided I was going to GO FOR IT! I had to extend my route slightly but I made it, I RAN 10K people!!!!  SO EXCITED!!!  

Lesson learned body, I will listen to you and give you rest when you need so you make make me accomplish great things even when I don't think I can!!

Getting anxious for next week (Week in review)

Exercise

3 runs
3 Chalene Workouts
2 walks

Total of 428 minutes of exercise
3740 calories burned through exercise


Nutrition

1883
1795
1885
1743
1903
1781
1848

Challenges

At the end of this week (Yesterday and today) I have been feeling BEAT!!  I had been planning a big workout day today, but given the way I feel, and not having any rest days for the last 3 weeks, I have decided to take one.  I even had a nap. I don't think I've had a day-time nap in at least 6 months or more!

I ideally would like to be able to get up and do my workouts every morning, but the only ones that have been getting me up are my runs.  I find the weights are just too easy to put off until evening.  Its not a horrible thing, but definitely something I would like to get a hold of again.

Successes

After crunching those numbers above, I was pleasantly surprised!  Even though I didn't work out as much this week, my deficit actually ended up slightly higher because I was able to keep my eating in check ALL week!! Not ONE splurge day, although tonight I'm having Tim Bits, but they fit in my calories!!

I upped some of my weights this week, and I'm feeling stronger in general.  I've also noticed I feel harder in some areas.  That's really exciting for me to feel my muscles again!

Next week's Goals


I am nervous for my weigh-in.  Not necessarily for the number, but more for the feelings that could come along with it.  I am expecting that the number won't be high, but I am hoping for at the very least 5lbs down. I have heard a few times that people don't lose a lot of weight during the first two phases as you are concentrating on building muscle and your body is generally holding on to a little extra water to facilitate repair.

My goals for next week are to "go hard".  I want 3 runs, 5 ChaLEAN workouts, 2 walks and one *Bonus* workout of my choice! Also I want to continue to do well with my calories!!

The first step is the hardest; My AHA process

Lots of people what to know "What was your turning point".  I would absolutely love to have a simple answer to that question, but like anything else in life it wasn't simple. 

I think some of it started when I was pregnant with Annalisa.  I had this desire to go out and run, but I felt trapped in my own body.  My back ached, my feet ached, I had that horrible stabbing crotch pain that made just walking around painful.  I remember feeling like I was having trouble breathing when I would lay down at night because when my chin was pressed towards my neck it made it hard to get air in.  I was 300lbs and just plain embarrassed of myself.  

After she was born I had a mini-epiphany.  I had this realization that life is not permanent, and BOY was that scary.  I realized that if I wanted to see more life, enjoy my children, give them a better chance at living a fulfilling life, I needed to start setting a better example.  I also started believing that I wasn't going to worry *quite* so much what other people thought of me.  

It started small.   I went out and got my hair done how I wanted to, and not how I thought other people would like it.   I bought a purse I liked, and didn't worry about if other people thought I could "pull it off".  I decided to concentrate and make an effort to act with more integrity.  Basically that means I lie less, to myself and to others.  I used to just agree with people in order to make life easier, or in hopes they would like me but I realized I am really bad a being fake.  

I tried a diet, and failed 3 weeks later.  Then I fell into some old habits, and decided to bake/cook my summer away.  I had been planning to start logging my foods since March, and every few days/weeks I would log a couple days here and there.  I logged mostly bad days (or maybe they were just all bad days).  As I worked on myself (ya know, being all honest and stuff) I was coming up with less and less excuses.  

I think, on September 13th, when Crystal asked me the question "Are you going first or am I", it was a combination of running out of excuses, embarrassment and accountability.  I was just done.  Done with lying to myself, and done with disappointing others in the process.  Also, I didn't want to look like a flake to Crystal any more, although she's been around long enough I'm sure she can draw her own conclusions on that one!

Also, I just went back and checked my diary on MFP and the first few weeks were not pretty.  It took me a while to get the hang of it.  The first two weeks I ended up eating on average almost 2000 calories per day! Even after that period I was doing lots of things I should be, over on my calories, and eating a lot of nutrition-less foods.   

People might look at my journey, or the journey of other successful weight losers and get discouraged thinking we did everything perfectly from the start.  I am here do say, that for me at least, I DIDN'T!  It took my a long time to get the hang of it and I am STILL improving, the biggest part of my success is that I REFUSE to give up.  I take my bad days and get over them.  I have tired days (like today I am exhausted and wanting to binge eat like... hmmm, well like I used to), I just do the best that I can, and try more often then I give up.  

NSVs (Non-Scale Victories)

Since I am living without the scale this month (only one more week), and I have to focus on my non-scale victories.  NSV's don't lie to you like the scale does.  They are honest, real and don't fluctuate from day-to-day.  NSV's are my BFF right now because they give me the confidence that I need to keep going in the right direction regardless of what that scale thing tells me.

• I can wear size 18pants! 
• My cheek bones are starting to come out!
• I can actually see that I own biceps
• I ran 8k twice in the last two weeks! 
• My run pace is constantly improving!
• I can wear the necklace my husband gave me on our anniversary this past year that was tight when I got it.
• I've been getting loads of compliments
• I ran all the way up the back side of Rockland hill (its a pretty darn big hill people)
• My legs are starting to feel firmer.
• If I really force it, I can see that my collar bones did not die or leave me, they are still there!
• When we were out the other night I kept brushing against my stomach, and its way smaller than it used to be!  I kept thinking "Where is it? Where is my pudge?"  Don't get me wrong I have plenty left, but its getting smaller!
• I fit my favorite jacket again!
• I did one of my Turbo Jam DVDs last week without having to modify any of the moves!
• I am sticking to the plan even though I don't have the scale for re-enforcement
• I feel 100% determined even on my weak days that I WILL NOT give up! (This confidence does not come easy to me so it is a HUGE NSV)

So there it is, and I probably missed some.  There is so much more to this journey that the number on the scale.   I know I am doing the right things and that it will all add up and move me in the right direction.  Will I be happy if I see the 220's next week?  Abso-freakin-lutely.  If I don't see the 220's then I just know I will get there soon!

FYI, after I weigh-in next week, I'm going to run 10k!! HOLY CRAP!

Things change, and lessons I've learned

**Disclaimer** This is my place to write out what I am going through, I am writing it here to put it out in the open, but I am by no means saying that this is about you or your journey, or even that it will work for you, it is strictly about ME and MY JOURNEY.

When I first started this journey I had my idea of how it was supposed to go. No matter how much reading, or talking I did, no one could talk me out of it, because I justified it ALL.

• Move as much as possible, cardio, cardio, cardio, BURN those calories
• Cardio now, Strength later (like when I'm done or close to goal)
• The closer to 1200 calories, the better
• No "bad" foods, because you have to eat clean to lose weight, and those are what got you fat in the first place
• Losing weight is hard and painful and you won't enjoy it
• Lose the weight as fast as possible

The result, I lost weight.  BUT I felt like a failure every time I didn't burn enough calories, have the energy to workout, ate something "bad",  or lost less than 2lbs.  I felt like when I enjoyed my exercise I must not have given it my all.

Basically I was torturing and punishing myself for allowing my body to get into the state it was in.

For me, things have changed. It's been gradual, one thing evolving at a time. First, I LOVE my cardio, and will get it in when I can but I don't beat myself up if I 'only' burn 250 calories in a day.

I am finding that I absolutely love strength training.  I'm finding muscles popping out all over the place, and my body feels different.  It really sunk in for me after months of trying to deny it, that the rest of my journey will be easier, and more well-rounded if I strength train now. Not to mention all that muscle will help me look better and burn more fat in the process.  The numbers *may* not drop as quickly but the progress will be there.

I now eat between 1800-1900 calories per day on average.  What I have noticed, is that my energy is higher and way more consistent than when I was eating 1300-1500cals a day.  I used to have an almost yo-yo effect where one week I felt great and kept my calories around 1300-1400, and then the next week I would crash, miss workouts, and often those were the times where I would lose control of my eating.

There is so much conflicting information out there about what is the 'right' diet.  "Don't eat sweets, fruit is better", "Fruit is too high in sugar and carbs, eat vegetables",  "Meat is bad for you", "carbs are bad for you", "fat is bad for you". I started trying to eat as clean as possible.  That lasted a whole DAY.  Every time I ate something that wasn't a vegetable I felt like a failure.  These days, I just try to make more good choices than bad, and if I'm under my cal goal, then I'm happy.  I eat more fruits and vegetables now, but not because I am "supposed to". Now I do it simple because I enjoy them, I know they nourish my body, some of them actually taste pretty good, and they are usually lower calorie and help keep me feeling full longer.  I try not to think of many foods as 'bad'.  I try to think of foods on a scale, one side being foods I should eat more of, and the other being foods I should eat less of.  Just last week, I had pizza and cheesecake one night, and margaritas and sliders another, but I also had a lot of healthier meals to balance it all out.

While there are definitely parts of this journey that are hard and and painful, I DO enjoy it.  I look forward to my runs (mostly because I still remember a time where I couldn't run at all), I look forward to lifting with Chalene, and even the pain I experience after said lifting.  It STARTS as a struggle every day, but eventually I struggle less and succeed more.  I guess I would still say "It's not easy", I mean just this morning I almost chose not to workout.  I ended up getting up 30 minutes later and then getting it done, I just cut it close.

At the beginning of this journey I was very "balls to the wall".  I was an extremist.  After watching John in Biggest Loser 12, I started to recognize this and realized that if I wanted to be successful over the long-term I was going to need to REALLY work on moderation and long-term living.  THERE IS NO END to this journey so what I do to live a healthier life has to be things that I feel that I can maintain for a very long time.

With all that being said, this is where I am at NOW.  This journey is a process, and I expect that there are parts of it that will change and evolve even more.  Hell, maybe I will become a "clean eater" one day.  I'm just not there right now, and thats ok with me :)

Re-United and it feels so GOOD!

The reason I started my Facebook page and my blog was simple, I needed support.

If you have read my "about" section of my Facebook page or some of my earlier posts, you will see that my friend Crystal was my original support system.  My husband was there shortly after, but (sorry hunny) was not quite AS effective just simply for the fact that he couldn't exactly relate to what I was going through and wasn't as "gung-ho" as I was.

Crystal pushed me to start my journey and was there almost every day.  She heard many of my meal plans, every calorie over, every binge, every pound lost, every struggle, every workout, she heard about it ALL (sometimes multiple times).

Crystal had planned to take a 2 month+ trip to Thailand.  To me, the scariest part of her going wasn't missing her help at work, but more the support and (ok I can't think of a 'hipper' way to say this) companionship that she gave me.

Knowing that I was going to be vulnerable when left without having to be accountable to anyone I decided to take the step.  I started my Facebook page, and a week or two later my blog.  I decided to say "SCREW IT" and let all my Facebook family and friends in on my endeavour.  What did I have to lose, they already knew I was fat... I mean it's not like you can hide that sort of thing!

My Facebook page and blog have been a huge part in my sanity life these last few months and I never imagined I would find this whole community of people!

Today, I saw Crystal for the first time in just over 2 months.  SO HAPPY to have her back!  Don't worry, I won't be abandoning my page or blog any time soon.   I think it will help keep me balanced and maybe Crystal won't have to hear about it AS much!

I just have to celebrate now,I totally rocked this life-challenge!! I was nervous that without her around I would be more likely to slip or eat bad things during the day, but I can say with 100% certainty that I rocked it!!  Yes it was harder, and yes I missed my buddy, but I did really well "on my own"/ with a whole new networked support system that may not always be physically present but was definitely present none-the-less!

Keepin on! (Weekly Review)

Exercise

3 Runs
4 Chalene Extreme Workouts
2 sets of treadmill hills
1 Turbo Jam
1 Walk

Total of 506 minuutes of exercise
4904 calories burned through exercise

Nutrition

1901 calories
1635 calories
2478 calories (Valentines day)
1780 calories
1805 calories
1942 calories
2797 calories (Friends Birthday Party)

Challenges

I need to work on my moderation skills.  Valentines day I ended up eating pizza and mousse-cheesecake, and I succeeded with the mousse-cheesecake because I was able to share it with hubby, but he got me a heart shaped perogy pizza and by the time it arrived I was so hungry that I ate more than I should have.  I had tried to order a salad, but then my husband said that he wanted to get me the heart-shaped pizza for me, so I gave in.

Saturday night (Friends Birthday Party) looks like it was a challenge, but I'm actually pretty 'ok' with it.  The only thing I really would change is having the cinnamon bread from little caesars before hand, but again I was starving and it was easy.

Saturday was an insanely busy day for me, so I was not able to get my Chalean "Burn it off" and "Recharge" workouts in.  I did go for a walk with a friend though, and planned to run 8k on Sunday, so again I'm not too torn up about it.

Successes

My eating was a LOT better (for the most part) than the previous week.  I was proud that I shared my Valentines dessert instead of hoarding it all to myself.

I consider the Birthday Party a success over all because I only had 3 drinks and two sliders while I was there.  Many times I just want to keep going and could have done a LOT more damage.  Also I had a GREAT time.  It was a lot of fun and well worth a few extra cals.  With exercise I was only over by about 500 for the day which puts me at no loss/no gain.

I lifted heavier with some things in Chalean this week!!  I am feeling stronger for sure!  I was also really happy that I got ALL my runs in!  I did 8k on Sunday, in the pouring rain and howling wind, pushing my baby girl in her stroller... I still can't believe that!  It just goes to show how far I have come.

Long Term goals = SCARY

Last night I was doing a mirror evaluation of myself. Trying to see differences in my body. I see some. In the side-by-side pics I can see it, but the mirror is an ass! Ok maybe my head is an ass. Here I am, down 71 pounds (51 from Sept.) and I can't really see a huge difference.

Then I got thinking,  I started my last weight-loss journey at 240 pounds. Only 4 pounds difference from where I sit now. It took me 2 years back then to lose the weight. I didn't have MyFitnessPal or running apps, or really much of anything. My commitment wavered, I went in bursts. 20lbs in 3 months, then 4 months of nothing, 40lbs in 6 months just from running, and the last 30 came off over the next year by half-heartedly balancing my meals and walking EVERYWHERE!

Now at first I felt discouraged, like "here I am starting all over again". I have so far to go.

Then I realized, I have never been so committed, so driven, and so consistent with my efforts for this long straight EVER. I just passed the 5 month mark, and have lost 50lbs. I'm no where NEAR quitting, in fact, I'm pretty dam sure I'm going to finish this thing.

Thinking about the long-term goal can be good, but it can also be scary.  Its a good thing I have all my short-term goals to keep me focussed because losing another 60-90lbs seems like a LOT.

My next short-term goal is to complete ChaLEAN Extreme, and continue my running program.  After that is ONEDERLAND, and after that, my half-marathon!  Hopefully when I'm done with my half-marathon training I can start Turbo Fire because I have been waiting for what seems like EVER to try it!

Image Source

So, after I was finished with this thinking last night I decided to get to sleep early so I could have lots of energy today.  Do you know what happens whenever I make a concious decision to go to bed early? Shit hits the fan  My kids always end up having a rough night sleeping, thus requiring myself NOT to sleep. Last night my baby girl had a tummy ache. I could tell because every 15min or so she woke up and bounced, then cried and tried to get comfy.  As much as I am tired, there was a part of me (a sick apparently non-sleep-cherishing part of me) who enjoyed every moment of comforting her.  The last time she slept in my bed was well over 6 months ago.  

All this means that today I am tired, I'm still going to work out, but I am tired.  Although my husband did bring me a coffee and a donut, so hopefully the caffeine will help carry me through the day and I can get some good shut-eye happening tonight!

Ahhhhh, one of the best feelings in the world (I'm pumped so there is bad lanuage)

Well, after a slow start to my day diet-wise (we're talking pizza leftovers and an undeniable need for smarties), I wasn't sure how the rest of the day was going to go.  I cut it close on my calories, and was feeling pretty blah.  I wasn't even absolutely sure I would get my Chalean in today.

I decided to go do my weights with Chalean any way.  I lifted heavier than I did last week for most exercises, and by the end my calorie burn was way better than what it was last week (although I replaced the batteries on my heart-rate monitor and it seems to be a little more accurate again).

I decided that since I didn't get my walk on, and I didn't want to be up late I would hit the treadmill for a couple hill intervals.  I got about 12 min in, and all of a sudden one of my favourite songs comes on.  Man! That really helps you kick up your work-out a notch!  I set my hill intervals higher and did 3 more than I originally planned!   Then another GREAT song came on achem... "Who's a sexy bitch".  Yep well I may have changed the lyrics a little bit because I'm gonna be one... Yep that's right people.

It took me about 6 or 7 minutes to successfully bring my heart-rate down, and even though I wanted to go longer, I held back because I have Chalean Intervals and Abs tomorrow AND a run.

I feel so good right now, so pumped, I am in a swearing kinda mood.  I came in to see my husband and said "All's I gots to say is :Hell to the mutha-fuckin yeah!".

It feels so good to end a so-so day on a GREAT note!!

Struggling.

Well its been a few days since I posted.

Well I had 3 not-so-great days last week, and this week I just had one.  I didn't go over my calories with exercise but I KNOW I could have made better choices.

I'm getting nervous about my end of month weigh-in. I know I'm not really supposed to see big numbers, but I still would like to.

I'm feeling nervous that if I don't see much improvement I will feel like I just wasted a month.  On the other hand, I KNOW I am making progress.  I ran 8 kilometres (5 miles for my US residents), and that is huge for me!!  Seriously, at 236 (ish) pounds I ran for an hour and 15 minutes straight.  What a big accomplishment!  Also I am really liking Chalene Extreme, my muscles are always feeling worked, and I know I'm already getting stronger.

I guess its just the mental part.  It's not as easy as saying "I don't give a crap what the scale says".  There is a whole lot more work I will have to do to be 'ok' with it.  That is a goal of mine though.  I want to be able to use the scale as a tool, and at the same lead such a balanced lifestyle that I can feel confident knowing I am doing all that I can to get healthy and fit.

I think that's why I have been quiet the last few days.  I really enjoy sharing my successes.  Writing about my struggles is a little harder to do, but I know that to tell the whole truth to myself and to anyone reading this I need to suck it up and acknowledge those here too.

This journey is not easy.  Not for many anyhow.  The reason I have been successful so far is realizing that I can overcome these struggles and keep moving forward.  I CAN. Watch me!


Side Note:  My kids are so awesome.  My daughter Anna will be 1 in two weeks, and Landon will be 3 in April, and I am totally soaking up their stages right now.  Anna is "talking", but I wish I knew what she was saying.  She even has facial expressions and body language to help accentuate.  Its so darn cute. Landon is crazy with how much he understands now.  Tonight Anna was crying in her crib and he grabbed a toy, ran down the hall to her room, went in and then gave her the toy to make her "feel better".

Week one of CLX Down (Week in Review)

Exercise

2 runs (One of them a 6k!!)
3 walks
5 Chalene Extreme workouts!

Total of 594 mins of exercise.
4508 Calories burned through exercise!

Nutrition 

2493 calories
1554 calories
1805 calories
1841 calories
1527 calories
2480 calories
1850 calories

Challenges

Getting up in the morning has been challenging this week.  I`m not really sure why and I don`t really have any cool excuses for it either!  I guess all I can do is try again!! There was one day where it actually felt good to wake up early, which was my easy run day.

I had two really bad food choice days this week.  Sunday it was cupcakes (fresh baked ones are my kryptonite). Friday I just felt tired all day, like I was ALMOST sleeping by 5pm.  I KNOW that when I feel like that, I make horrible food choices, but I ended up in a "F*ck it" kinda mood and ordered Dominos.  Damn them and their Lava Cakes that I can't say no to... well not to mention the donuts I had earlier and my entire thin-crust pizza for lunch.  I'm not proud of it all, even a little embarrassed, but I promised I would keep it real on this blog and I'm not trying to hide stuff, so there it is, judge away if you feel the need...

Successes

Well, I completed the very first week of Chalene Extreme! YAY me!!  Friday I almost had to bail on my weights DVD, but instead I overcame the obstacle and rocked it out.  What a way to spend Friday night with the Hubs, "Here honey, play on your computer while I bust a move".  Ahhh the romance.

New Banner

In light of recent posts regarding weight training, and becoming less dependant on the scale (while you can be damn sure I will celebrate every scale victory), I have decided to change my banner to reflect that.

My previous banner said "My journey to losing 167lbs".  The truth of the matter is I have NO IDEA what my happy weight will end up being.  I may lose 167lbs, but I may end up 5-20lbs heavier, but leaner with muscle.  See I based my previous goal weight to be 4lbs lighter than I was at my lightest, because when I was there I still had room for improvement.

However, I got to that weight without ANY strength training, and in the last year my only real form of consistent exercise was walking.  With the fitness goals I have now, I realistically expect to have a lot more muscle on my body, making that goal weight possibly un-attainable.  I don't want to feel like I failed at the end because I didn't hit that weight.  SO, my new tag-line is "A journey to my goal body" because I feel that represents my intents a little more accurately.

Turkey Dinner in a muffin!

So tonight I decided I wanted to make something with ground turkey... I ended up with awesome!

These turkey muffins reminded me of a great Thanksgiving dinner, but all in little serving sized portions. I had 4, which equalled out to 317 calories!!

Here is the recipe should you want to try your own!

1lb of ground turkey
1 sweet potato
1 cup of frozen spinach
1/2 cup egg whites
1/3 cup bisquick
1 tablespoon of dehydrated onion
Stuffing seasoning (I used Epicure Apple and Sage)
Garlic Powder
Salt
Cooking spray

First I mixed together the Turkey, Spinach (thawed), egg whites, bisquick, onion, and stuffing seasoning. I separated the mix into 12 equal (sprayed) muffin tins.

Then I cut up the sweet potato into medallions.  I put them in water in the microwave for 3min.  I placed one medallion on the top of each tin of the mixture.  Then I sprinkled it all with a dusting of garlic powder and seasoning salt (regular salt it good too, or omit the salt for sodium concious peeps), and I sprayed them with a little cooking spray to help the sweet potato crisp a little.

I put them in the oven at 350 degrees for 35-40 min. Took them out and let them cool slightly and then served them.

My husband and little dude devoured them!  Okay, so did I!  YUM

Life without the scale.

Not as hard as I thought it would be.  (Mind you its only been a week and a half)

When I committed to this journey, one of the things I knew very early on, was that I wanted to get to the bottom of all the psychological things that contributed to me gaining this weight.  I have already lost and gained 90lbs PLUS, so if I give all that effort again, I want to be prepared at the end of my journey to live a healthier life. I want to have all the tools I need to keep me from gaining it all back again!

For the first 5 months of this journey I have been pretty buried in counting all my calories, and exercising like a mad woman.  I feel like I am entering a different stage right now.  One thing I feel like I am doing better than I did last time, is planning ahead.

I had a bit of an "Ah Ha" moment yesterday.  I realized that the last time I lost weight, I was single, free from emotional baggage (or at least that baggage was carry-on sized), and I was only responsible for me. One stupid fucked-up just plain bad relationship later and there had been a lot of damage done, and  baggage created (definitely check-in sized).

The Past

I was able to keep my weight under control for the first few years after that because I was (for the most part) single and able to focus on myself. Then comes Jeff.  I knew within 3 months of dating that I had met the man I was going to marry.  We got married 1 year and 9 months after we met. We loved each other, but my baggage was not gone. I had trust issues.  Trust issues that I pretty much ate my way through.

Dealing with it has been tough, and only in the last year can I say I think I finally have taken care of it. I'm finally in a place where I can let go of the things (or at least most of them) that hurt me in the past and give my husband the amount of trust he deserves.

I realized that by working on these things, and being able to be comfortable, secure and happy in my relationship (and with myself in general), I now am able to have the strength and motivation to really work on myself again.  Its like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders and I don't have to worry about it any more.

Preparing for the future

Putting the scale away is like practice for the future.  Its like the first time your parents leave you home alone in the house.  A test.  I know I don't have to weigh in this week, but I am still logging my foods and getting all my exercise in.

I'm doing this not just because I want to lose the pounds, but because I want to be more fit, I want to gain muscle, I want to eat healthy, and I want to live longer.  Sure it will be validating when the number goes down, but the number doesn't make me run faster, or put cuter clothes on me, or even accurately reflect what size I am.  In high-school I had two friends of the same hight, who wore the same size, one was 110lbs and one was 145lbs.

I still would LOVE to be in Onederland for my birthday in June please please please please please, but after that I really want to be in a healthy head space where I'm just working on getting strong, fit and into cute clothes.  I want to be able to say that while I know my number, I am not defined by it.

P.S.  This is one of my most proud accomplishments because I really feel like I am doing all this in a healthy well-rounded way, and that I am putting in the prep-work to maintain my success... and now I hope I don't have to ever eat those words one day!

Started Chalene Extreme!

Yesterday I completed my first Chalene Extreme workout!

I had planned on doing it in the morning, but ended up in a funk and stayed in bed, so I completed it right before dinner!

I had felt intimidated before hand because I didn't know for sure which weights to use and didn't want to "do it wrong".  Once I got into it it made a little more sense and Chalene was great at guiding me to choose the right weights.

I am used to all my cardio workouts that have strength built-in, so it didn't feel like a traditional workout.  Even though some moves were tough, and I had to fight to get through some, my heart-rate didn't go up too high.  My immediate thought afterwards was a little sad because I only burned 202 cals for 40 mins of work.

THEN I went to dish up my dinner.

OMFG, my arms were shaking. The more I tried to do, the weaker and more "worked" I started to feel.  So I decided to have Jeff (my husband) play fetch.  "Honey will you go get my water bottle and fill it and bring it back to me?".  Water is heavy after you're done working with Chalene.  Well at least today, for me, it was.

Today I am starting to feel the wrath of Chalene, and I'm loving it.  I'm really excited to build muscle and get stronger.  Maybe one day I'll feel confident to actually hand out tickets to my gun show! LMAO

February Challenge

I liked having my January outlined for me, so I decided to do the same with my workouts for February too.

No full rest days, but I think it is pretty doable for me.  I'm starting Chalene Extreme, and I am also starting my running program to start training for my half-marathon in October.  I'll have a few walks added in there, and if I want to go hop on the bike or elliptical at the gym, that will also be in addition.

Here we go!! (A few days late, I know).

More calories = YUM (Weekly Recap)

Exercise

Moving upstairs
3 30 Day Shred work outs
2 walks
3 runs
1 Turbo Jam DVD

Total of 481 minutes of exercise
4298 total calories burned through exercise

Nutrition

1483 cals
1668 cals
1847 cals
1840 cals
1803 cals
1735 cals
1850 cals

Challenges

This week I did not complete as many 30 Day Shred or Turbo Jam workouts as I had planned.  I took two whole rest days instead.  I wanted to "taper down" my workouts as I headed into Chalene Extreme.

Increasing my calories, although exciting, was a challenge because I didn't want to fill all those extra cals with junk.  This is hard for me as when I get to the evening with extra cals I usually go for extra "treats".  I tried to plan ahead to make sure I was using my cals in a smarter way.  Some days I succeeded, and other days (like today for example) I filled the extra with junk.


Successes

Even with 2 whole rest days I feel like I burned a lot of calories this week.  3 days I didn't have my traditional treat deserts, one night I had a vitatop, one was a protein shake, and one was a fiber one bar with chocolate soy milk.

I was pleasantly surprised that by upping my calories, I seemed to be more consistent with my intake avoiding any spike days.

To up my intake, I tried to do little things like add a bit of cheese to my morning wrap, avocado to my lunch, or have some extra protein shakes.

I ran my FIRST ever 12 minute mile during Friday's Bridge to 10k run, also my pace on average was 12.30/mile.  I was VERY happy with that.

**I am NOT, I repeat (mostly for myself) NOT doing a weigh in tomorrow. I am going to wait it out until March 1st and try to do monthly weigh ins for the next 3 months while completing the Chalene Extreme program.  You can read more about that decision here!

Putting the scale away!

I had put it out there a few days ago that I was considering a monthly weigh-in.

I decided back in December that I was going to do Chalane Extreme (a 90 day strength focused program) when I finished the 30 Day Shred. The idea of taking the time concentrate on muscle building is just plain smart weight-loss, even smarter if you have been doing it all along. More muscle = more calories burned.

Since I am on this journey long-term, I need to think about long term goals. When I get to maintenance, do I want to be stuck to a 1200-1400 calorie a day diet to maintain... OR would I like to be eating 1600-2000 calories a day plus some exercise calories on top? I mean really, which one would you choose?

In addition to doing the Chalene Exteme Program, I have increased my daily calories to my BMR which right now is 1850. I'm doing this so I can maintain current muscle as well as build new muscle.

The scary part of these changes is that during the transition, the scale may not show an accurate reflection of what is really going on with my body. I am going to have to TRUST that I am doing the right thing for my body and wait a little longer to see those benefits on the scale.

I had a few people with "mixed" feelings on doing a monthly weigh-in. The common question is: "What if you get off track because you don't have to weigh-in?" My answer for that now is:  I seem to be on the right track nutrition-wise, and I don't feel in any danger of falling off that wagon because I still keep my food diary public for all my MFP pals to see and I will still be logging every morsel of food that enters this body.

Knowing what I do about increasing calories and starting a new fitness regimen, I will most likely see no-loss or even an increase in the first few weeks and I believe that weighing (while I try my best not to take the scale too seriously) may just be discouraging.

I'm going to have to put my inner instant gratification whore away for a while, measure my progress in inches instead of pounds and really remember that I am doing this for long-term gain.

This has been a hard decision to make because I desperately really want to get to my goal of seeing the 100's for my 30th birthday.  I may still make it there, but I also have to prepare myself for the fact that I might just have to look like I weigh in the 100's on my birthday.  Eventually I may even have to raise my goal weight too, if I am doing lots of strength training and toning, I may look better at 160, than I once did at 149.

So, I will still do weekly recaps of food and exercise, but I'm not going to weigh myself until March 1st, when I will also do my next progress photos!

Wow!

It's always nice to know that people believe in you!!

Today, my husband came in the door with a plant. He said "this was at the front door". Now, it's still a ways from my birthday, so, I'm kind of confused.

The card is to me, so I open it and see a note "keep up the great work, you're doing fabulous". Seriously almost brought tears to my eyes (Ok, so there was a tear there). It was from a friend whom I've known since elementary school. How special, he totally made my day!!

I've also had a few people I know personally take a moment to drop me a note saying how I am an inspiration. Who knew I could do that??

All of it is motivation to keep going and get to my goals!

Progress Pictures and a Small Gain

So I weighed myself today, only for accuracy with my progress photos, I'm up one pound from Sunday.

I share this because I am not worried about it! I have sore muscles and I'm still dealing with TOM. Also I have been on the right track with my food and exercise so, Mr. Scale can tell me I'm up all he wants today, we'll see who's boss at the next weigh in.

Speaking of which, I'm debating on whether that should be weekly still, or if I should give a monthly weigh in a try.

So, as promised here are a few progress pics.

This one below is Jan 1st to Feb 1st

This one is from the start of my journey in September, where I was already down 23lbs from my heaviest.